


Memoirs Of A Bath House

by Better_in_Black_1234



Category: Naruto
Genre: And Hashirama knows, Attempt at Humor, Attempt at awkwardness, Attempt at dramatic writing, Even more nudity, F/M, Gaara being awkward, Help, High thoughts, I Don't Even Know, Inappropriate use of the moon, M/M, Madara is crushing hard, Masks, Naruto thinks hes funny, Nudity, Origin Story, Out of Character, Recreational Drug Use, Sasuke being oblivious, Swearing, Tobirama is done with their shit, Weirdness, Why Did I Write This?, Why is that a tag on my fic, You guessed it - Freeform, mild drug use, more nudity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 16:10:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11405916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Better_in_Black_1234/pseuds/Better_in_Black_1234
Summary: Series of one shots all set in various bath houses. Its as weird as it sounds.Sneek at Ch1:Gaara realized with dread what exactly was about to happen. He was about to be in a room full of very naked people soon.Tamari's lectur didn't cover this.Kankuro's lecture didn't cover this.Shit-fuck-shit-shit what was he supposed to do!?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I first watched the episode with them all bathing I was oddly embarrassed... then Shino did the towel thing and I nearly killed myself trying to get away from the laptop. 
> 
> But I pushed through.
> 
> I watched the episode.
> 
> And now we have this, enjoy.

* * *

 

Garra thought back on the conversation that started this horrible nightmare.

 

 The very beginning could probably be pin pointed to when Tamari suggested  that another trip to Kohona was in order.

Or the conversation he had had with the Hokage about Suna's small fresh water supplies.

Or the ensuring conversation he had with Naruto about Suna's very strict water restrictions.

Not that these were conversations he regreted, he just regreted that the next conversation was about how he had never been to a bath house.

 That was when everything went well and truly to hell.

 

* * *

 

Bath houses sounded like a huge waste of water.

 

Gaara had silently followed Naruto to the local bath house knowing their was no way to convince him to not take him to the infernal house of water wastage.

Unfortunatly along the way Naruto had bumped into numerous of his friends and invited them to come along.

So far Gaara had counted atleast seven others that would meet them there.

What did shinobi even do in this city if somehow Naruto had met all of them on the way to the bathhouse?

After the short walk (made long after all the frequent stops to talk to various people) the two friends had arrived at the 'bath house'.

This place was definitely using alot of water.

Gaara squinted. To much water.

Naruto burst through the front doors like it was his own home he had arrived at; loudly and completly at ease.

Gaara on the other hand, entered at a much more subdued pace.

By the time he had finished looking around the room, Naruto was talking to the young civilian lady behind the desk. Garra assumed he was telling her that a horde of loud, dirty, teenage shinobi we about to invade the baths.

Gaara quietly made his way to Naruto's side so he could find out was happening.

"Naruto" the fox boy jumped, not having noticed Gaara slink up to him.

"Gaara!" Naruto turned to him, smiling.

"Are we going in?" Gaara intoned glacing at the civilian. 

Naruto's reply was lost, as Gaara's attention was on the girl that was staring down at the desk in front of her. 

He tilted his head trying to get a glimpse of her, but all he could be were her red cheeks.

He was used to this, growing up many civilians and shinobi wouldn't even dare look in his direction incase it stirred up the demon-child.

Gaara had thought that fear had passed though.

Naruto bumped his shoulder to his, gaining his attention again.

The future-Hokage had a smirk on his face.

He winked at Gaara, who didn't understand the gesture and turned his attention on the girl.

"Hey, Mizu-Sama, this is Gaara" 

Mizu as was apparently her name, made quick eye contact with Gaara before falling in to as much of bow as the desk would allow her, "ka-kazekage-sama, it's an honour to meet you" she stuttered a little when Garra gave her a little smile and her cheeks got even redder.

"Thankyou for allowing us use of the bath house, Mizu-sama" Gaara tilted his head to see Naruto, "are we going in now?" He asked

"Yeah, yeah. This way!" Naruto laughed at swung a arm around Gaara's shoulders to lead him away from the desk.

Once they were barely out of ear range Naruto puched him on the shoulder.

For a second Gaara was confused, was one supppsed to spar in a bath house? But when Naruto laughed he relized it was one of his odd 'friendship' quirks. Apparenly causing harm to someone you like was a form of affection.

How odd.

"She liked you" Naruto sung, dancing out of reach before Gaara could think about punching him back.

Not that he was planning on it. 

He'd seen what had started as a friendly punch between Naruto and Sasuke, turned into a full brawl.

Training feild 22 will never be same.

Gaara tilted his head considering what Naruto had told him, was that also a sign of affection? The red cheeks, no eye-contact and a stammer? 

How odd.

"Hmm" 

Naruto bounced up to one of the doors in the hallway they had been walking down, opening it, he walked.

Once Gaara had closed the door after him he took in the room they were in. 

There was shelving on the wall to their left, the shelves closest to the back wall had a stack of folded up towels. There was a line of hooks on the wall to the right. Infront of them was another door.

But there was no baths.

Once Garra had finished taking in the room he turned to Naruto. The jinkuriki was shirtless and in the process taking of his pants. Garra quickly turned his back on the very nearly naked boy.

The lesson his siblings had taught him on modesty was one that he could not easily forget: it happened after he told Tamari he needed to track down a missing mission report then promtly disapeared.

Gaara shuddered.

An hour later she found the missing Kazekage in the communal showers with a group of very embarrassed half naked shinobi mid lecture on the importance of mission reports.

She took great satisfaction in telling him how some conversations needed to be held on a more professional setting.

Two hours later Kankuro dragged the both of them out of the showers so the shinobi could bathe in peace.

He then proceded to lecture the both of them.

Four hours later Gaara understood.

One does not look at other people when they are in the process of undressing. Or redressing. Or somethig along those lines.

So for the sake of Naruto's modesty Gaara turned his back. And nealry had his face smacked by the opening door.

Remebering a vauge memory from Tamari's lecture, Gaara slammed the door closed before the intruder could come in.

Their was a supprised shout and a yelp of pain from the other side of the door.

"Gaara!" Naruto side stepped Gaara, ass as bare as the day he was born and yanked the door open revealing his formally saved modesty to whoever was standing on the other side of the door.

Gaara diverted his eyes from Narutos very naked butt to see who had the misfortune to be getting the full frontal. 

The dog boy, Kiba, Gara thought his name was, was on the floor with a massive red mark on his forehead and the shadow user was leaning against the wall. Behind him was another boy who was laughing, then there was the bukagan user and Lee.

The first person to ever get past the sand barrier. 

Kiba noticed the open door first, grimiancing as he pushed himself off the ground.

"Man, no one wants to see your sorry excuse of a penis!" He laughed, walking around Naurto into the room, "put your bloody towel on!"

The other boys filled into the room, showng various levels of amusement on their faces.

"Hey, mines bigger than yours Inizuka!" Naruto yelled pointing at the dog boy as he took of his jacket and haphazardly shoved it on to a shelf.

"Ha, in your dreams, Uzimaki!" He promtly replied.

As Naurto laughed good naturedlly he wondered off to grab a towel and wrap it around himself.

Gaara realized with dread what exactly was about to happen. He was about to be in a room full of very naked people soon.

Tamari's lectur didn't cover this.

Kankuro's lecture didn't cover this.

_Shit-fuck-shit-shit_ _what was he supposed to do!?_

 

* * *

 

 

"Gaara, buddy, you gotta be naked to have a bath"

 

* * *

 

 

There was so much skin.

Oh, gods it was  _everywhere_ Garra looked, his eyes unintentionally drawn to the vast expanses of skin he had never before seen of his friends.

He could see Naruto's  _knees._

Oh shit. And there was the bug boy. Was he making eye contact? Or was he just looking in this general direction? _Shit-fuck_ sunglasses shouldn't be allowed in bath houses. 

And Shikamaru. He could _see_ all of Shikamaru.

Gaara rufused to flinch when Shino, who was still looking in his general direction stood (fully and horribly naked except for the now twice damned sunglasses) and slapped his towel over his shoulder, the crack it made against his skin sent shivers down Gaara's spine. They definitely weren't the good kind.

This was more skin he had seen in his collective life.

And everytime he glanced at some part of someone he had never seen before (like Naruto's  _fucking knees)_ his sibling's voices would pop into his head.

Gods, was he being socially acceptable? What the fuck was the protocol for this situation.

Gaara banished the memory of his siblings combined lecture and decided to take a leaf out of Narutos book and 'roll with it'.

So he followed Naruto through the steamy room to one of the bench seats, where he assumed they would have to clean themselves before getting into the bath.

He assumed correctly, he sat down on next to Naruto quietly listened to the various conversations around them. 

"Kage-sama!" Lee suddenly appeared next to him, smiling. Gaara's eyes betrayed him as he watch the other boy take a seat. Out of every other boy in the room, Lee's muscles were the most defined. 

"Lee" Gaara forced his eyes away, before the other boy noticed, "were naked and sitting less than thirty centimeters apart, you can call me Gaara"

Lee blushed looking away, but nodded. "Naruto said this is your first time at a bath house" Gaara attepted to not watch the water run down the others boys neck and shoulders.

He really tried not to notice how it ran down his stomach muscles and soak into the towel in his lap.

...maybe there was just enough water being used...

"-do you like it?" Lee continued oblivious to Gaara's rageing internal struggle.

"Yes" Gaara replied his voice even raspier than usual.

"Well we can move into the bath now, if you want?" The taijutsu specialist asked, standing and turning his back to Gaara.

And  _removing the towel._

For a split second Gaara forgot how to breath.

Thankfully Naruto took that moment to pay attention to him again.

"Come on Gaara, hang you towel there and we can jump in the bath" Naruto said hanging up his own towel on one of the hooks near the bath.

Gaara followed his actions and slipped intp the bath, sitting next to Naruto backs to the wall and facing Neji who gave a small smile to Gaara, before returning to his conversation with Kiba and Shikamaru.

About ten minutes into Gaara explaining the difficulties of getting fresh water out to Suna to Naruto and Choji, who was actully quite interested, the door opened and Naruto's attention went directly to it.

Gaara knew that the other boy had been waiting on one other person to arrive.

 Sasuke.

 Naruto unsubtley watched as Sasuke started to clean himself.

Across the bath Naji cleared his throat to gain the fox jinkuriki's attention, after a moment Naruto made eye-contact with the older boy, who raised an eyebrow.

"Aww, shut up Neji just cause you can see from the back of your head doesn't mean everyone can" he whined and slumped lower in the water.

The buakugan user rolled his milkey eyes as Kiba, Lee and Choji laughed.

Gaara allowed himself a small smile as he watched his first friend jab Kiba, in the side for laughing at him.

This bath stuff wasn't to bad, he might have to drag his brother to one next time.

Even if they did waste to much water.

 


	2. Kiba and 'friends'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long mission Kiba really just wants to have a nice long bath. Unfortunately he ends up bumping into some 'friends'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones a little short, sorry guys. Drug use alwell, just weed though, nothing to over the top.
> 
> Everyone is probably a bit OOC, I blame it on the drugs.

The mission had been long and grueling, a two day trip just to get to the location where the client was and then a further three days to deliver the client to wherever the hell they had wanted to go.

Fortunately they wouldn't be leaving this village till the next day. 

Kiba took the opportunity to go to the local bath house to relax before the five day journey back to Kohona.

Muscles burning from walking almost non stop for five days, he quickly washed the dirt and sweat from the journey and hurried over to the bath, absently realizing that there was a group of people all ready in the hot water.

In the precise moment that he sat down amd started to relax, the steam seemed to waver and clear.

In that moment Kiba realized he had fucked up.

Really,  _really_ fucked up.

For who else would be sitting at the other end of the bath staring him dead in the eye, but Uchiha Itachi.

To Itachi's immediate left was the shark guy, grinning at him, like a creepy mother fucker.

Around the bath sat the rest of the Akatsuki.

The weird blond guy with the mouth on his hand, five heart dude and crazy scythe weirdo sat on Itatchi's right side.

The sandy guy sat next to Kisame, which left-

"Dog boy!" 

-Tobi right next to Kiba.

Kiba slowly turned his wide eyes from Itachi to stare at the crazy missing-nin almost plastered to his side, to stare directly into the single eyehole of the horrible orange mask that he will no doubt be having nightmares about for the next month.

He was unarmed and completely naked with the most dangerous S-ranked criminals known to the hidden villages.

_Uchiha_   _fucking Itachi was staring him down and kisame looked like he was going to eat him._

And the only thing that came to mind was;

"You wear that thing when your naked?"

 

* * *

 

"Do you think sand is called sand because its between the sea and the land?" Deidra asked them.

Itachi passed the blunt to Kisame, eyes wide in wonder and smoke trailing from his nose.

"That makes so much sense"

Kiba was terrified.

"I once spent twenty minutes explaining to a sandwich why I was going to eat it" 

The Akatsuki members paused, contemplating Kiba's confession, before Hidan nodded and said "that is _so_ real man".

 

* * *

 

"What if you just woke up one morning and you nipples were, just, like, gone?" Sasori asked.

There was silence around the bathtub.

"Right, no more for you then" Kakazu reached over and pulled the joint out of Sasori's loose fingers.

 

* * *

 

"Why do you even wear that thing?" Kisame asked pointing at Tobi's mask.

"So people can't see my scars" 

"Kisame is fucking blue, I dont think anyone is gonna care about scars, Tobi" Daidra told him.

"How are you even smoking with that thing on?" Sasori squinted at him through all the smoke.

Tobi leaned foward as though to tell a secret, the others found themselves mirroring the action.

"I'm a ninja, dickheads"

 

* * *

 

"I would marry the first, fuck fourth and kill the second" Itachi decided.

"Wait, kill the second?" Kisame asked.

"Yeah that guy creeps me out" Kakazu agreed.

"I always liked his eyes" Kisame told them.

"Yeah, but you have a thing for people with eyes" Deidra rolled his own

Kiba blinked, "doesn't eveyone have a thing for people with eyes?" 

"Thats really deep, man" kakazu nodded

 

* * *

 

"-so Shika got him with his shadows and we were all standing in the middle of the street and just as Shila-Shima-Shika, fuck, gimme that-" Kiba paused mid story to grab the J off Tobi, and watched in rabid facination as the smoke trailed from the eye hole.

"Do you recon if we all wore masks we wouldn't be able to tell the difrence between us?" Kiba pondered.

 

* * *

 

"KISAME WHERE ARE YOU!?" Itatchi scretched voice sounding odd behind the mask.

Kisame jerked up from where he had been sleeping in the bath with his head tilted back against the lip.

"What!?"

Kiba giggled behind his mask.

 

* * *

 

"-and thats why we all think Naurto is totally hella gay for Sasuke" Itachi nodded as he finished his story.

"KIBA!" Everyone in the bath jumped as the sliding door was slammed open and Kurenai appeared blinking as all the smoke escaped the hot room.

Kiba turned to look over his shoulder, "hi sensei!" He grinned.

Kurenai's dark red eyes swept over the various naked criminals in the bath all wearing matching masks and the still smouldering joint im Kiba's hand.

"Kiba" she said deathly serious, "get out of the bath full of criminals, get dressed and go back to the room"

Deidra gasped, "she can see through the masks, she knows who we are!"

"Deidra, you have a face in your hand and Kisame is fucking blue, ofcourse she knows who we are" Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Now, Kiba!" Kurenai looked like she was getting a headache.

Kiba sat in the bath while he thought this over, "can we get lunch on the way back?"

"Its morning, you've been missing all day and all night!" 

Kiba reluctantly crawled out of the bath, idely passing the joint to Tobi.

"Can we get breakfast then?"

"KIBA!"

He quickly marched out the room the Akatsuki members laughing behind him, "till next time dog boy!" Kakazu called

"There better not be a next time, Kiba!" Kurenai grabbed him by the ear and pulled him into the changing room, not taking her eyes off the remaining people in the bath.

"Sensei, can we please get food?" Kiba pulled his pants on and picked up a shirt to shrug on, "I'm so hungry I'm probably going to die" Kiba's eyes went wide, "do you think I'm going to die Sensei?"

"Put your shoes on Kiba, it's just the munchies talking" 

"Sensei" Kiba looked up at her like she held all thr secrets of the universe, "What are the munchies?"

In the next room the Akatsuki members all broke out in laughter.

"Kiba, we're going to be having a very serious conversation when your not high"

 

* * *

 

"That little shit stole my shirt!" Sasori screetched about an hour later.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm open to suggestions if anyone has an idea!!


	3. Bath House Origins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the tale of the beginning, the very first bath house in Konoha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones still short but a bit longer than the second chapter. 
> 
> This is based of a cute little fan comic i saw once, I've been looking for the original and the artists name, so when I find it I'll link it. 
> 
> If anyone knows the fan art please tell me who it was by so I can chuck it in!!!

 

* * *

 

A long time ago, on a freezing cold night, the men with the power of the gods in the palms of their hands journeyed to the highest precipice of the tallest mountain.

They were searching for the perfect place to make what many would later call  _heaven._

Upon the mountian they stopped on a ledge that over looked a village slowly being created.

The first looked at the miracle in the valley and said: "This is the place, it's perfect"

With hands moving too fast for the naked eye to see, the first brought forth the foundations.

The second stepped foward and drew water from the air. He filled the foundations with life.

The third man, who had been silent the whole time open his mouth and with a roar, a great burst of fire erupted from within.

Once the fire cleared and the dust settled, Madara was accosted by the unblemished view of the first Hokage's perky ass.

"Dammit, warn a man would you!?" Madara reached for his armour and started to undo the clasps, sliping it from his shoulders.

"I agree with the Uchiha for once, brother" Tobirama was kneeling taking of his shoes, "no one wants to see you naked"

Silently, Madara disagreed. As if reading his mind, the younger Senju sent him a glare when his brother was distracted with testing the water temperature.

Hashirama laughed, "you're both jealous because you're assess are as pale as the moon" and deeming the water warm enough, the first Hokage slipped into the hot water, his brother not far behind him.

That sat opposite each other, which meant that Madara would either have to sit next to the older Senju, who probably liked his guts a little bit to much.

Or the younger Senju, who liked his guts... all over the floor, if preferable.

Madara moved to sit next to Hashirama, who was slouching and splayed all over his end of the bath, the only thing protecting his modesty was a strategically place reflection of the moon.

"You sit like your visting one of those gambling places your so fond of, brother" Tobirama who on contrast looked like he could have been sitting in a meeting.

A very naked meeting.

Hashirama laughed easily, telling his brother about his latest adventure he had while swindling unsuspecting shinobi out of there money.

Madara's eyes drifted to the moon reflection, was it a genjutsu? It was far to perfectly placed to be natural.

He tilted his head to one side to see if the genjutsu would move and when it didn't Madara realized with stunning clarity that no, it wasn't a genjutsu.

He also relized with stunning clarity that Hashirama beat him in yet another aspect as well now.

For a moment he stared dumbly.

 

Then he felt two hot points drilling through his skull, flushing he looked up at Hashirama. He was still thankfully talking to his brother.

Madara looked towards the younger and determinedly supressed a flinch.

_You little shit_ the red eyes seemed to snarl.

Madara jumped when Hashirama elbowed him "come on you two. Do you have to argue right now?"

"Tell your brother to stop glaring a hole through my forehead and I might think about it" Madara glared at the younger Senju.

"If only it were that easy" Tobirama snarked but stoped glaring. For now anyway.

Hashirama laughed again, for someone who had seen so much death and destruction, it was amazing he still laughed so freely, Madara thought.

Good  _god._

Sometimes he couldn't tell if he was a hopeless romantic or just fucking depressing.

It was probably a bit of both.

While Madara was internally screaming over his own thoughts, Hashirama and Tobirama were having a silent conversation.

_I cant believe you actully like this idiot_ Tobiarama's eyes glared.

_Eh,_ Hashirama shrugged  _if you dont want to see it, leave_

_Leave you alone with him!?_ Tobirama glared harder,  _who knows what he'll do to you_

Hashirama smiled,  _on second thought, do leave._ He made a shooing gesture,  _quickly._

Tobirama scoffed but stood to leave anyway but not before shoving his older brother under the water.

Madara was jerked out of his internal screaming by the splash and quickly averted his eyes from Tobirama's side of the bath as he left.

Even looking by accident could get him killed if the Uchiha-hating shinobi caught him.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) that ment he got to see the entire spectacle that was Hashirama emerging from the water.

_Thats some good shit._

Madara couldn't look away as the water ran down from Hashirama's hair and down his body.

_Oh, yes._

As if in slow motion Hashirama lifted his hand and pushed his hair out of his face, half lidded eyes staring straight into Madara's. His tongue darted out over his lip, collecting the dropplets of water caught on the plump pink lower lip, Madara unconsciously mirroring the action.

_Fuck. Me. Up._

The steam rose around the first, curling around his body like phantom hands, as he prowled toward Madara. Hashirama's fingers dragged through the water, making ripples.

Madara gulped, watching as he got closer and closer and just as he was within arms range, Madaras fight or flight instincts finally kicked back in and he scrambled to get away. In his haste he fell over the raised edge of the bath and landed flat on his back in the dirt, feet still dangling in the water

Dazed, he stared up at the sky. Hashirama leaned over the baths side, smirking down as he placed his hand on the lip, right between Madara's knees.

"Oh look," he said and Madara had never heard him speak like that, slow and seductive and _oh so deep_ "now your all dirty, you'd better get back in the bath" 

Madara stared up at his dumb smirking face leaning over him, his dumb hair cascading around his face dripping warm water onto Madara's chest and had only one thought:

_Sign me the fuck up._

 

* * *

 

"Fucking Uchihas" Tobirama grumbled, pulling his arm though his shirt as he stalked off into the trees and down the mountain with the sound of splashing water and a startled yelp behind him.

 

 


End file.
